Chaos inside an empty mind

Day 2

5:12 am, I woke with a sleepy head and started my day with misogynistic songs, preparing for Deadlift day. On the way to gym I saw a person lying on wet street at 4 °C and showed my gratitude for whatever I've been given. On the way back I was listening to "Like you do" by Joji and realized that I'm not sacred of leaving people behind me anymore, the lonelier it gets the free I feel. I started to like being lonely and often question myself why do I get sad at the same time? I've spent most of my life alone and whenever have I tried to make bond with people it always costed me my mental health, I've had a lot of friends in my teenage but only with few I used to feel safe with or call it "home" but it didn't matter to them as I saw them moving apart further and further, maybe my sadness lies within it.

10:45am, After a light breakfast I decided to make a video about the blog. To prepare merely a 30sec video it took me 2hours having to write and say things in front of camera with my social anxiety kicking in while I'm all alone..

Day 6

It's almost 4am, Sleep wasn't any near so I decided to meditate. I laid down made a hand symbol(creation) and started to breathe deep. At first I felt nothing, few seconds later I felt like falling and noises started to echo. Screams, yelling, my mother's voice, voices of people I had left behind, it kept getting louder I couldn't bear it and I had lost the concentration. It was the first time to experience voices inside my head, It used to be an empty silent space "a nowhere".

I do not believe in magical numbers yet I notice a lot, A few numbers which means "change" I guess started to make sense by looking at my recent past. I hope its for the best as I'm moving on in life with nothing to care about, becoming avoidant of people, isolating myself in this cocoon of mine, a paradigm shift.